| Hmmmm....... |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|02:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Motorcycle Drive-by - Third Eye Blind | ] |
Tonight was a random series of unfortunate misunderstandings. Vacaville drama seemed to play a small role in this scenario. Certain people don't want to hang out here cause they are uncomfortable and other people can't hang otu there cause it would be too awkward. Its all tooo confusing. Sometimes it is really hard to try and keep up. I don't mind accommodatiing my friends but sometimes it is exhausting. I guess that is the beauty that is VACAVILLE.
Other then that my day was horrible. I woke up with the worse hangover ever. I wonder why I still drink the way I do when in the morning I hate myself for it. The abuse my body has endured is astonishing. I can't believe I haven't shriveled up into a ball like dirty, smelly clothes at the bottom of the hamper.
I play on a pool league for the cabin and tonight I lost all four of my games. Sooo Sad. :( But it is just a game so I guess it doesn't really matter. |
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| Been a long time since I last saw your face..... |
[Jul. 1st, 2005|11:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  productive | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shake it up - The Cars | ] |
Well, I guess my little vacation from LJ has finally come to an end. It wasn't really a vacation, it was just my laziness and my forgetfulness.
This last couple of weeks I've been moving Mariah out of her apartment into her house. It has actually been kind of fun.
well, as much fun moving can be in the hot summer sun. The majority was us two hauling furniture and it seems like thousands of
f-ing boxes up and down stairs. We have had some help from Rhea and Harland. Today is Mariah's last day in the apartment and we still have to move a thousand pound bar and a very cumbersome entertainment center. I can't wait!! *(insert flamboyant sarcasm here)*
Besides the moving I just work , drink coffee, eat food, stare at walls, watch paint dry, and start ant farms forget the ants and give up.
Today my mission is this: 1. Find a good bowl of clam chowder, cause it's FRIDAY
2. Wash my car
3. Help Mariah move bar and entertainment center
4. Take a nap
5. Get a vanilla latte, not too sweet, want to taste the coffee
6. Enjoy a job well done |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 14th, 2004|10:49 am] |
I'm fucking tired of being sick.
Played BINGO last night with Sabrina. It was hilarious! The people there are sooo psycho about there BINGO it's not even fummy. I accidentally called out "BINGO" when I didn't actually have a BINGO. You could probably have heard the groans from Fairfeild. It was sooo funny. I almost wanted to do it again just to fuck with all of them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2003|02:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What do i get?-The Buzzcocks | ] |
Mariah you are my inspiration. I was just about to dose off and I had an epinone. I need to act more like I have a gold plated gap. I need to treat myself with a little more respect then I have been. I realize that if I want to find a meaningful relationship I need to not give myself up so easily. I need to not be so easy and need to be more mysterious. I need to learn from past mistakes and realize that a one night stand is not going to turn into something like a relationship at least not a very deep one. I know now that there are guys out there or at least one that doesn't think all I am is a lay. That there are guys out there that will treat me with the respect and love that I truly deserve. WHEW!!! I needed to get that out of my system or I wouldn't be able to go to sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 10th, 2003|01:56 am] |
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In the words of Daniel "You have reached the 21 century, honey" I have aim now so if any of ya would like to, you know, my screen name is rockdoof. I picked all by myself. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 9th, 2003|03:28 pm] |
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I feel a lot better today. I hate pms I get so emotional and sensitive. Anything that anyone says to me I take to the heart. I wish there was a way to get rid of pms altogether. I do not see the point of getting pimples and psycho once a month helps. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 8th, 2003|04:45 pm] |
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I have a problem. I don't talk about how I feel. I keep it all bottled up until I cry myself to sleep everynight. I couldn't sleep last night and I needed to get out my feelings, but I couldn't. I could bring it up to my friends that I feel worthless and a waste of space and air but the thought of killing their good time doesn't seem fair. Their lives seem so easy and fun ,but I caan't really say that because I am on the other side of the fence looking over at the much more green and luscious grass.I don't know why I have these feelings in my head. I used to be able to just shake it off, but lately the feelings are getting more and more intense and don't know where they are coming from. I used to be able to break them down and analyze them and figure out what was wrong,but I can't figure it out. My life isn't that bad. I shouldn't really have anything to complain about. I have friends that will listen to me if I need them and vice versa. I have a 3.5 gpa. My job could be better ,but that can't be where this is coming from. Maybe I should go back to therapy. Maybe that is what my head is telling me. I can't do this alone. I need help. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2003|01:40 pm] |
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Well I just spent two hours on monster.com filling out aps and looking for jobs and I hope I get a bite. I need to leave caffe Baci before i go insane. Good luck to me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2003|11:44 pm] |
well......yeah
I do not have any drama in my life so I do not have anything important to say except at thanksgiving dinner I felt really fucking single. Everyone at the house was involved with some I felt like the fucking 13th wheel.
Woe is me! hahahaha |
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| Single Serving Friends |
[Nov. 26th, 2003|03:23 pm] |
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Sometimes when I hang out with the kids from Vacaville I don't feel like they truly want me around. Like I am not cool enough to breathe the same air. I know that sounds harsh but that is how I feel. I don't know why I feel that way. Sometimes I have a problem with jumping to conclusions and reading into what people say too much. I guess you can say i am paranoid, but I have an analytical brain and I will use it even when it is not needed nor wanted. I always think people see the bad side of me and not great side. I have a problem letting loose and being comfortable around folks I don't really know or trust. I think it boils down to me having a trust issue. I don't lay my cards down on the table for just anyone because I have told thing s to people in confidence and they use it against me. Like one time I told this girl that I thought I might be pregnant and she told everybody. Then anothe time I told one of my good friends that my boyfriend didn't like her friend and she told him. They got into a fight and everyone blamed me. I should just learn to keep my mouth shut. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2003|04:24 pm] |
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I do not know why I feel the way I do? |
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| Like a dog shitting razor blades.... |
[Oct. 28th, 2003|06:26 pm] |
Two people sharing their feelings. Is this the end or a new beginning? I don't know.
I heard something today that made me think:
"If your house was on fire what would take with you? If you were brave you would take nothing."
That question caused me to look at myself and wonder what would I do?
I don't think I am strong enough to leave everything behind no matter what lies I tell myself. I don't think I have the capacity to start from scratch. But then again I don't really know because it has never happened before. |
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| Tip Stealer!!!! |
[Oct. 27th, 2003|04:38 pm] |
I am a prime suspect in the theft of tips. In my defense I did take tips, but i took from the nights that i had worked and not from the actual tip bag. So tecnically i was taking them from myself. Also, I wasn't alone in doing this and I also only did it like two or three times.
Well, anyway I went to baci today and since they are suspecting me of stealing tips I think they are going to accuse me of stealing from the register.(which I would never do.) I kind of upset because they won't tell me directly that I am under suspicion and they tip-toed around it in front of me. I am going to find another job and then own up to it and then quit. But i did not rip off the register.And I will not incriminate any of my co-workers.
I noticed all this stupid drama happened after I started working for the county in the morning. I HATE CATTY, COWARDLY WOMEN!!!! If they had a problem with me working another job they should have voiced their concern rather then cutting my hours, barrading me about mundane details. JUST TALK TO ME!!!!!
Any way since I haven't udated my journal in awhile I will write what I wrote in my written journal the last couple of days.
10-25-03
I feel so insignificant. I don'feel like people appreciate the type of person I am. Yes, I do make mistakes. What the hell can I say its called being fucking human. I can't who I am. I'm selfish, irresponsible,cold-hearted and airheaded, but I'm okay with that because if I were perfect then I would be really fucking boring. My fallacies and faults are what makes the kind of person I am. I would not trade them in for the world.
I was at Huey's tonight and had the realization that really hate people. No, scratch that I meant to say that I don't understand people. Girls were pretty much dry humping any person in sight just to get the attention of some drunk ass loser across the bar. So she could fell good about her self while he uses her like a tissue during cold season for one night and the next morning while her hangover is beginning to ruin her day and realizes why do I do it to myself? I feel the reason I dislike that scenario is because i have been that used tissue a time or two.
Is there something so utterly wrong with me that I haven't found a boy who wants to date me, shower me with love and respect in almost four years? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?!
My friends tell me,"oh, Erin you are so sweet and fun and caring. Its the guys that are assholes." But if I have all these so-called "great" qualities then why are my friends the only ones that see them? Am I too fat? Would guys be ashamed of me? Does my breath stink? Did I fart? MY GOD!!!!! I just do not get it!
I just want someone to be quiet with, have fun with, cuddle with, someone who feels the same about me as I feel about them. But guess what? That will never fucking happen. I think humans,in general, can't see the forest for the trees! No matter how much we like to tell ourselves that we do. We don't realize what we've got until it is gone, extinct. We use things/people up and throw them away like yesterday's stock quotes. I am ashamed.
10-26-03
I had a dream one night that kept repeating.It was me, mariah, charlie, charlie's dad, sarah, leia, brandon, crystal and justin(santa cruz)partying at this warehouse on this hill overlooking some random city. When we were leaving we saw something fall out of the sky and I go,"what the hell is that?"
And Charlie's dad says,"It looks like a nuclear bomb!"
then there was this flash of light and then it was over. After that it kept repeating the same dream over and over again. I think I repaeted at least ten times. i don't know but it weirded me out. This happened of week ago and it still weirds me out.
(Later that night I wrote)
I was feeling insignificant last night and tonight seems even weirder. I was hanging out at Cheers with brandi and some of my brother and sister's friends. I think the only reason I felt awkward is because i kept questioning why they were being nice to me. Also I can't really let loose around them because I am afraid that it would get back to sean or kyla and embarrass them and I don't want to that.I wish I could not be so paranoid and actually trust people to be the life of the party. But people in this town talk to much and I hate being apart of the gossip.
Lately I have been feeling unwanted and not needed. Maybe because I do not open up like others do. I'm a homebody. I wish I could be more like kyla or sean or mariah. they seem so cool and confident and it makes me feel so small and worthless. I do have great qualities its just I do not trust people. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|02:03 am] |
YOU ARE A VAMPIRE!
You are the charismatic leader of the night.
Seductive and beautiful, you lure humans to
their deaths for their precious blood. Since
you are dead already and as tough as they come,
you are secure, condifent, and nearly
invincible.
Welcome to the shadows!
And now that you know who you are, take my hand and
join me in a trip to the unknown....
Come
with me and live forever....
What Evil Creature of the Night are you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Books/Birds/Boots.... |
[Sep. 29th, 2003|01:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  enraged | ] |
| [ | music |
| | These Boots Are Made For Walking by Nancy Sinatra | ] |
Yeah...I'm sitting in my dad's so-called office printing up an assignment I had to redo because some inconsiderate asshole/s stole my backpack from my car.I am very tired right now and angry at humanity. I do not understand random acts of vandalism. Is your life not satisfying? Do you hold some deep underlying grudge against backpacks or people who where them because you are jealous that you can not handle the mental capacity that is needed for furthering your education? Do textbooks amuse you? Is that some kind of twisted fetish that I am not aware of? Or maybe you have something against rockin' cars like 83' LeBarons and that is why you have been fucking with my car for the past month? Yes people this not a single occurence! This has happened before! I walk out to my car and the door is wide fucking open. But this the first time that the people had the cohonies to take anything. Well...I am not a happy camper because I had to spend almost two hundred dollars on replacing the books. Just be aware I have surveillance camaras and vicious attack birds hiding in my tree ready to dive, swoop and poop on the next vandal to fuck with my shit. I bet you are shaking in your boots right about now. These boots are made for walkin' and they are gonna walk all over you!!! |
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| Why does she do it? |
[Sep. 24th, 2003|07:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Torn | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Big Mouth Strikes Again by The Smiths | ] |
My friend Christine seems to only call me when she breaks up with her boyfriend. I sometimnes feel so used. I feel obligated to help her through her drama because we've been friends since seventh grade. I just don't like the feeling of beibng used as a crutch friend. I jsut do not know what to do. I would feel bad if I blow her off, yet i want to help her in her time of need.I will probably be her shoulder to cry on and she needs me I'll be there. I know what it is like when you don't have anyone to talk to. and it sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2003|05:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tall Cans-Transplants | ] |
I seem to find myself falling for the same type of guys. Guys that are not motivated to better themselves or their situation. I want to find a guy who has it all figured out, but you what sucks about that is that guys my age do not have it all figured out. Maybe I should be looking for somrone who is older and has all his shit togetheror just say fuck guys and fuck sex and just focus on my goals which are : a)transfer to a college in so-cal or the bay area b)get the fuck out of vacuumville because it is sucking me dry.
I'm tired of the all the bullshit that happens in this town. It's like I never left fucking high school.There is still that crowd that people want to be apart of and the politics that go along with. There is still all the same shit-talking and gossip floating around. I do admit that I participate in the latter, but it still bothers me that that is all there is to do in this town. Go out to the bars and get drunk and create gossip that will fly across town the next day. "did you here so and so fucked so and so last night after the party or after we left the bar?", "did you here so and so got in a fight last night with a drunk asshole?" or "aliens panted a homing device in erin's butt and now she can get hbo and cinemax by just farting?" I mean it is just ridiculous. But I guess you have that kind of stuff happen wherever you go so I should just not let it bother me so much.
JUST QUIT YOUR BITCHIN' AND GET OVER IT! |
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| Wastin' time |
[Aug. 20th, 2003|05:26 pm] |
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I am waiting for my next class to start and I feel like I am wasting my day away. I don't want to leave because i might be too tempted to not come back. So I am in the library playing around and looking useless shit up on the computor. Did you knw that in some countries they use monkey placenta as a face cream. But I guess people will try anything like eating dog fetuses. Who says you don't learn anything in the California schools. |
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ragingqueen's journal
